An Open Letter to Twitter

Dear Twitter,

I know you serve a worthwhile purpose in the modern social media landscape – you provide connections for various people from a whole loads of walks of life, you provide a communication tool for those who have previously been voiceless. You are a resource for material, photos and the like for those who had been previously forced to find photos in a newspaper or google search for them. You are, I know, an invaluable connection point for people in a variety of professions, such as journalists, teachers and cartoonists.  There is, however, Twitter, a number of areas in which you fall down.

Twitter, in many ways, you are out of touch with the real world. It has been said recently that “Twitter is a parallel universe where black is white, day is night and views expressed are often grossly unrepresentative of the wider population” by the astute and calm Rita Panahi – and she is right to an extent. There’s those #auspol people who still talk constantly of pink batts and school halls still costing too much, three years after those events happened.  Why haven’t you established a system that snatches anyone who uses the #auspol hashtag and zap them into a room that plays non stop 2GB and Andrew Bolt, so they, and the rest of the population can live in happiness and harmony?   There’s also these people still with Julia Gillard Twibbons – the Jultwibboners – who feel a bit lost now Kevin Rudd has taken the helm of the ALP and has driven it to Port Moresby.  They need you, Twitter, to provide them asylum somewhere where powerfoxes can move forward freely.

I am also concerned, Twitter, with the false impression you leave some people – that somehow Twitter can leverage online partisan news sites and blogs into money making, influential publications that can wield real power – as in bring down governments, oppositions and the like.  The problem comes where users of Twitter provide unending praise to the publishers of these sites, making them deaf to any criticism.  This is purely your fault, Twitter, for not having some way of providing snapshots of the world outside Twitter, showing grand indifference to these sites. It would make everyone happier to know that their blogs and news sites are just read by a small group of people who agree with what is written and satisfies their desire that “something needs to be written about this”, even if the issue is staggeringly irrelevant to anything and anyone.

I think, Twitter, you really need to have some way of policing a concerning trend on your social networking tool. There’s a group of painfully hip Twitter users who use their own way of communicating, using their own “insider” language and actively exclude others from being members of their “groups” and being privy to their language of communication. They like to pour scorn on people with genuine, heartfelt views about anything and will “subtweet” with each other, sniggering at such people.  As society never exhibits this kind of high school style behaviour, ever, I blame you, Twitter, for allowing and encouraging this.

There’s also a group of Twitter users, Twitter, who take themselves far too seriously far too often. They passionately share their views and wonder why people don’t take them as seriously as they take themselves. Really, Twitter, you should show more respect for these people and their views. In order to help them, you need to develop an earnest font in order to express these opinions. Oh, and while you are there, create a sarcasm font, so earnest people can’t mistake the intent of what is written in response.

Also, Twitter, you need to have a way of making sure some Twitter users can never be exposed to a view and interests different to those held by them.  There are many on this Earth that really don’t want to hear about a world where people do things and think things differently. Your tool is really upsetting and annoying people wishing to be comfortable and relaxed with their views.  Maybe allow Twitter users to have an #echochamber or #fellowtraveller function so they can continue as before.

I think also, Twitter, you should be making celebrities and journalists on our TVs and radios be more accountable to all Twitter users, so everyone can feel included and happy, rather than the current situation, where most Twitter users are as far away and unknown to celebrities as they were before Twitter. Twitter is supposed to bring equality and happiness to the world, so you are failing drastically on that account.

While you are at finding a solution to that issue, there are a number of journalists like Christian Kerr, Miranda Devine and Andrew Bolt, who criticise Twitter often but don’t use it either very much or at all. They need a way of easily finding material to confect outrage about Twitter and the tweets of people with literally hundreds of followers.  That is why you need to develop a Twitter client called “Twitter Criticiser”, which flashes just tweets that can be used and taken to symbolise all of the Twitter conversation in a furiously written piece published in a high circulation media outlet.

I think that leaves you with enough work to do for now, Twitter – there’s a lot of outrage, anger and swirling frustration out there and it’s your fault, not humanity’s. Fix it. Oh, and on Monday Night, cause all tweets with the hashtag #qanda to be caught in that big Twitter Machine of yours, never to be seen.  Then we could all be happy.

Yours in sincerity, earnestness and insouciance,

Preston Towers esq.

P.S. Encourage people to write open letters about Dave Gaukroger – I’m sure there’s something he needs to Fix. And Soon.

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5 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Twitter

  1. Well I did try for a while to get people to use #ozpol since #auspol is now only full of trolls. #auspolicy is a little longer to my dismay but it may be undergoing genesis right now.

    And yes I know that’s just one aspect of your ‘witty’ post.

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